Awake

I am up
Wide awake
because Emery has a fever of 101.6

It is always scary when something is wrong with your child no matter there age, i remember being 16 with pink eye in both eyes, and my mom bringing me home anything to make it better and my dad staying home from his odd jobs to be with me..

When Emery shows any signs of illness i immediately go in to panic mode!
Whats wrong? how? why? when? what do i do?
I read all these books about the ages and what constitutes as a fever
But, do i go by corrected or actual for temperature, or do i meet somewhere in the middle
There is no book that comes with having a preemie, no one to tell you exactly what to do in a particular situation..
Sometimes i feel a tremendous amount of guilt over having her so early, I even have dreams or well nightmares about it..Why was my body incapable of holding her for 40 weeks? Why didn't i just go to the doctors even when they told me i wasn't in labor and i just KNEW i was ?
WHY WHY WHY?

I have so many questions and no answers, i suppose i will never get the answers.
But maybe that is what God wants..
He wanted to show us a miracle in the shape of a 3lb baby girl.

So now i am up cherishing my miracle, wondering , worrying.. about everything.

I hope this fever breaks and that we dont need to do another hospital stay
I don't think J or I could handle another hospital stay.. and i dont want to see emery hooked up to a monitor for a long long time.