the lone shopping trips.

Originally posted on 5/19/09
was just thinking about this the other day, I was thinking about the days that emery was in the nicu, although that was a hard time sometimes i stop to think about it to put myself in check and remind myself to be thankful for the things i have in life. So anyways i was thinking about the one thing that bothered my most about her being in the NICU. When i was pregnant people could see i was pregnant they could see i was about to have a baby and they would smile, i always thought when i had my baby and took her out i would get the same reactions. Then i found myself running errands while emery was in the nicu, no tummy, no baby.. no evidence that i was a mother besides my shopping cart full of preemie onsies, baby girl colored blankets.. im sure people thought i was buying as a gift. I remember trying to bring up how much i missed her while out shopping in hopes that someone may hear and realize i wasnt childless. I was jealous when i saw new moms out with there babies or even pregnant women. I remember being in walmart in tears because it wasnt fair that other women could have their babies and leave the hospital with them, i even remember saying they are buying newborn diapers i will never get to do that illl have to skip straight to size 1.. it was stupid and petty of me to be this upset over such a dumb thing but i was. I wanted to be a mother so so BADLY, and now i was but no one knew. I remember walking back into my math class on campus 2 days after i had the baby, i didnt talk to realy anyone in this class but they all saw me with a belly just a few days before and now, no belly. NOT ONE PERSON SAID A THING TO ME. Im not sure why they all knew i wasnt due until after the semester. But no one said a word. This made me even more upset. They just looked at me and when i would notice they would give me that apethetic smile.. but they had no idea what happend. I wanted to scream
" I AM A NEW MOM MY DAUGHTER IS TINY AND BEAUTIFUL!! " The reason i bring this up is because you never know what someone is going through and sometimes it is worse to not ask at all. Our nicu reunion is next month and im very excited to see everyone. I am excited to hear everyones stories. I am excited to show off my beautiful, happy, miracle baby girl. I hope these memories never fade..